Bar Jokes

प्यार पागल बनाता है!
दारू मूड फ्रेश करती है!प्यार में नींद नही आती है!
दारू पीकर नींद अच्छी आती है!

प्यार एक मुलाकात के 2000/- रुपये!
दारू एक बोतल के 350/- रुपये!

प्यार में सबकी सुनो!
दारू पी कर सबको सुनाओ!

पियो सिर उठा के!
जियो लडखडाके!

फैसला आपके हाथ में है!
- शराबी एकता संघ द्वारा शराबीहित मे जारी! http://www.patialajokes.com/category/bar-jokes-sms-messages/

Woman came to a doctor beaten black & blue said – Every time My Husband comes home drunk, He beats Me..

Doctor -I’ve a good remedy for that, Whenever he comes home drunk, just take a glass of Mouthwash & start Gargling till he goes to sleep..

Two weeks later she came back looking reborn & fresh & said – Wat a brilliant idea, whenever he comes home drunk, I just Gargle & He never beats Me..!

Doctor – You see ! How Keeping Ur MOUTH SHUT, Helps…!! =)) http://www.patialajokes.com/category/bar-jokes-sms-messages/

Horse Bet

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see’s a big jar full of change and a little card that reads: Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh.
COST $5
So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves.
The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and see’s the horse and the jar, this time it says: You can win all of this if you make the horse cry.
COST $10
So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had. So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks “How did you do that?”
The guy says “The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!” 

http://www.patialajokes.com/category/bar-jokes-sms-messages/

Bollywood Jokes

A girl to Rajinikanth:- ek chutki sindoor ki kimat tum kya jano rajni babu??
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.

.
Rajinikanth- 0.0526724953 rupees…www.patialajokes.com

When invented telephone,
.

.

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There was 2 missed calls by Rajinikanth!! www.patialajokes.com

Cool Jokes

Rok Do Mere Janaze ko Zaalimo.
Mujh mein JaaN aa Gayi Hai,
Peeche Mud K Dekho Kameeno,
Cigerette ki Dukan a Gayi HAi.......
http://www.patialajokes.com/category/cool-jokes-sms/

Comedy Jokes

Husband : Jab mein aache clothes pehenkar bazaar jata hu to sabziwale
sabzi mehngi dete hai. Jab gande kapde pehenkar jata hu to saste.
Wife : Tum katora lekar jaya karo na, free me hi sabzi mil jayegi!
http://www.patialajokes.com/category/comedy-jokes-sms/

Funny jokes

Boss: Itne kam kapray pehan k q aai ho? Aadha jism dikh raha hai.
Girl: Itni salary mein yehi aata hai!
Boss: Manager, Iss ko 3 months tak salary mat dena
http://www.patialajokes.com/category/funny-jokes-sms/

Best Patiala Jokes

खुद को नेपोलियन समझने वाले मानसिक रोगी

के इलाज में हुई प्रगति पर डॉक्टर ने उसे बधाई दी.

इस पर मरीज ने दुखी होकर कहा, ‘आप इसे प्रगति कहते हैं.

छह महीने पहले मैं नेपोलियन था और आज कुछ भी नहीं.http://www.patialajokes.com/

Flirt Jokes

Girl to doctor: meri skin bohat soft aur
sensitive hay,
mera rung bhi bohat gora hay,
mein raat ko kia laga kar soya karoon?

Doctor: KUNDI !!http://www.patialajokes.com/category/flirt-jokes-sms/

Flirt Jokes

प्रोफेसर ने अपनी खोज के बारे में बताया:
मैंने एक चूहे के एक तरफ केक और दूसरी तरफ
चुहिया रख दी। चूहा फौरन केक की तरफ
लपका। दूसरी बार केक को बदल कर
रोटी रख दी। चूहा रोटी की तरफ लपका।
… इस तरह कई बार फूड आइटम बदले। चूहा हर
बार फूड आइटम की तरफ ही भागा। इससे
यह साबित हो गया कि भूख में ही सबसे
बड़ी ताकत है।
इतने में पीछे से एक आवाज आई: सर, एक बार
चुहिया भी बदल कर देख लेते।http://www.patialajokes.com/category/flirt-jokes-sms/

http://www.patialajokes.com/category/best-one-liners/

http://www.patialajokes.com/category/best-one-liners/

http://www.patialajokes.com/category/best-one-liners/

Funny Jokes

http://www.patialajokes.com/category/wife-jokes-sms/

http://www.patialajokes.com/category/best-jokes-sms-wishes/

http://www.patialajokes.com/category/best-jokes-sms-wishes/

Latest Jokes

Alia Bhatt goes to a store to buy curtains.

Alia to salesman, 
I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.'
Salesman shows several patterns and finally 
she selects a lovely 
pink floral print.
Salesman asks what 
size curtains she needs.
Alia promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'
'Seventeen inches ?' That sounds very small, what room are they for?
Alia says,
'They aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.'
Surprised salesman replies,
'But Miss, computers
do not need curtains!'
Alia : 'Hellllooooooooo ...mine has Windoooooows.

Funny Jokes

My neighbor's wife texted me, 'I am new on watsapp.. Any idea what does IDK, LY, TTYL mean...?
I replied : 'I don't know, Love You, Talk To You Later !

She replied : ' No problem.
I'll ask you later...
Love you too...

Funny Jokes

English class Kid :- " Me sleep with Dad last night. "

Teacher (correcting) :- No beta, I slept with Dad last night.. 
Kid :- Aap mere sone k baad aayi hogi....

Baap Beta Jokes

कुछ दोस्त एक जगह बैठे आपस में बतिया रहे थे।
एक शराबी लड़खड़ाते हुए वहां आया और बीच में बैठे लड़के की तरफ इशारा करके
बोला
”ऐ, सुन, तेरी मां इस शहर की सबसे सुन्दर औरत है।”
लोगों ने सोचा कि अब झगड़ा होगा पर लड़के ने शराबी की बात को अनसुना कर दिया।
शराबी लड़खड़ाता हुआ दूसरी तरफ चला गया। कुछ देर बाद वह शराबी फिर आया और लड़के से बोला – ”मैं तेरी मां से बहुत प्यार करता हूँ समझा!”
लड़के ने उसकी बात पर कोई ध्यान नहीं दिया । शराबी चला गया। कुछ देर बाद वह शराबी फिर आया और
बोला – ”सुन, तेरी मां भी मुझसे बहुत प्यार करती है।”
आखिरकार लड़का अपनी जगह से उठा, और शराबी के पास आकर बोला – ”पापा, प्लीज, अब घर जाइये। आपने बहुत पी रखी है ।

Haryanvi Jokes

Ek bhai saadi te bahut dara kare thaa. Ek bai gaam mein thanedar aaga us din us bhai ki bhans kise ki juwar kha gi. Ghana ulahana aa ya. To uske ghar wale bole, “Thanedar sahab isne dara ke ne saadi tahi tyar kara do yo saadi te bahut dare se.”Thanedar ne us bhai ko dara dhamka ke bola, “Teri yehi saza hai ke tere ko saadi karni padegi.”Bhai usne darte ne saadi ki haan kar li. Saadi mein jab dulhan ko uske paas laya gaya to wo bola, “E bebe teri bhans ne bhi kise ki juwar kha li thee ke?”

Basanti: Aap bahut mote ho gaye ho

Basanta: Tum bhi to kitni moti ho gayi ho.

Basnti: Main to maa banne wali hoon!

Basanta: Main bhi to baap banne wala hoon

     Newton : how to write 4 in between 5???
China : its a joke
Japan : Impossible…
America : question wrong
Pakistan : u asked foolish question i kill u!!…
UK : Not found on internet
.
..
…
….
From India Rajnikanth : ” F(IV)E”

Ek chor amir aadmi ke ghar mein chori karne gaya.

Tijori pe likha tha “Tijori ko todne ki jaroorat nahi hai,

452 number press karke sahmne vala lal batan dabao, tijori khul jayegi.

Jaise hi batan daba alarm baja aur police aa gayi.”

Jate jate chor seth se bola: Aaj mera insaaniyat se vishwas uth gaya hai!

hahahaha...:-D

Blonde Jokes

Q: How do you keep a blond in suspense?

A: Will tell you the answer tomorrow.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

A: Because that’s where your supposed to wash vegetables.

Q: Hear about the blonde who got an AM radio?

A: Took her a month to figure out she could play it at night.

Q: So there’s a smart blonde, the Tooth Fairy, and Santa Claus surrounding a dollar bill.

Who picks it up?

A: Nobody, none of them exist!!!

Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?

A: She opens the car door.

Best One Liners

The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: Management.

Just because you have one doesn’t mean you have to act like one.

For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and

refuse to tell you where they’re going.

Best Jokes SMS Wishes

गब्बर: कितने आदमी थे?

सांभा: सरदार दो।

गब्बर: मुझे गिनती नहीं आती, दो कितने होते हैं?

सांभा: सरदार दो, एक के बाद आता है।

गब्बर: और दो के पहले?

सांभा: दो के पहले एक आता है सरदार।

गब्बर:तो बीच में कौन आता है?

सांभा: बीच में कोई नहीं आता सरदार।

गब्बर: तो फिर दोनों एक साथ क्यों नहीं आते?

सांभा: एक के बाद ही दो आ सकता है क्योंकि दो, एक से बड़ा है सरदार।

गब्बर: दो, एक से कितना बड़ा है।

सांभा: दो, एक से एक बड़ा है सरदार।

गब्बर:अगर दो, एक से एक बड़ा है तो एक, एक से कितना बड़ा है?

सांभा: सरदार अब आप मुझे गोली ही मार दो मैंने आप नमक ही खाया है च्यवनप्राश नही।

Basanta Basanti Jokes

Ek baar basanta basanti ka jghagra ho gya

Basanti : kash mene apni maa ki baat man li hoti to aaj mujhe ye din dekhne ko na milta

Basanta : Kya matlab ki tumhari maa ne tumhe mujh se saadi karne ko mana kiya tha

Basanti: Or nahi to kya

Basanta : He Bhagwan me us nek orat ke bare me kitna bura sochta  tha jis ne mujhe Bbachana chaha.

Bar Jokes

Horse Bet.......

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see’s a big jar full of change and a little card that reads: Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh.
COST $5
So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves.
The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and see’s the horse and the jar, this time it says: You can win all of this if you make the horse cry.
COST $10
So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had. So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks “How did you do that?”
The guy says “The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!”

Irish Car Bomb.......

An American couple walks into a pub in Ireland and asks the bartender for two Irish carbombs. The bartender says they don’t serve those as they are offensive in Ireland but since he feels bad he will give them two shots on the house for not knowing any better. The bartender makes two flaming shots and puts them in front of the couple.

The couple says “Thanks, what are they?”

The bartender replies with “Those are our best drink, we call it Twin Towers.”

Gotta Try That .......

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.

About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, “Hey, how the heck are you doing that?!” The first guy responds, “Oh, it’s really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk.” “WOW!” exclaims the second man, “I gotta try that!”

So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, “Superman, you’re an asshole when you’re drunk.”

Baap Beta Jokes

कुछ दोस्त एक जगह बैठे आपस में बतिया रहे थे।
एक शराबी लड़खड़ाते हुए वहां आया और बीच में बैठे लड़के की तरफ इशारा करके
बोला
”ऐ, सुन, तेरी मां इस शहर की सबसे सुन्दर औरत है।”
लोगों ने सोचा कि अब झगड़ा होगा पर लड़के ने शराबी की बात को अनसुना कर दिया।
शराबी लड़खड़ाता हुआ दूसरी तरफ चला गया। कुछ देर बाद वह शराबी फिर आया और लड़के से बोला – ”मैं तेरी मां से बहुत प्यार करता हूँ समझा!”
लड़के ने उसकी बात पर कोई ध्यान नहीं दिया । शराबी चला गया। कुछ देर बाद वह शराबी फिर आया और
बोला – ”सुन, तेरी मां भी मुझसे बहुत प्यार करती है।”
आखिरकार लड़का अपनी जगह से उठा, और शराबी के पास आकर बोला – ”पापा, प्लीज, अब घर जाइये। आपने बहुत पी रखी है ।

Attitude Jokes

Girl – my janu,mere baccha,my
sweetu,

my sonu,

kya tum mujse shadi
Karoge

Bol mera bacha?
.
.
.
.

Boy- shut up…. purpose kr rhi h ya godh le rhi h.

Akbar Birbal ke Rochak Kisse

बादशाह अकबर बीरबल की हाजिर जवाबी के बडे़ कायल थे। एक दिन दरबार में खुश होकर उन्होंने बीरबल को कुछ पुरस्कार देने की घोषणा की, लेकिन बहुत दिन गुजरने के बाद भी बीरबल को धन राशि (पुरस्कार) प्राप्त नहीं हुई। बीरबल बड़ी ही उलझन में थे कि महाराज को याद दिलाएं तो कैसे?

एक दिन महाराजा अकबर यमुना नदी के किनारे शाम की सैर पर निकले। बीरबल उनके साथ था। बादशाह अकबर ने वहां एक ऊंट को घूमते देखा।

बादशाह अकबर ने बीरबल से पूछा- बीरबल बताओ, ऊंट की गर्दन मुड़ी क्यों होती है?

बीरबल ने सोचा महाराज को उनका वादा याद दिलाने का यह सही समय है।

उन्होंने जवाब दिया- महाराज यह ऊंट किसी से वादा करके भूल गया है, जिसके कारण ऊंट की गर्दन मुड गई है।

महाराज, कहते हैं कि जो भी अपना वादा भूल जाता है तो भगवान उनकी गर्दन ऊंट की तरह मोड़ देता है। यह एक तरह की सजा है।

तभी बादशाह अकबर को ध्यान आता है कि वो भी तो बीरबल से किया अपना एक वादा भूल गए हैं। उन्होंने बीरबल से जल्दी से महल में चलने के लिए कहा और महल में पहुंचते ही सबसे पहले बीरबल को पुरस्कार की धनराशी उसे सौंप दी और बोले मेरी गर्दन तो ऊंट की तरह नहीं मुडेगी बीरबल।

…और यह कहकर बादशाह अकबर अपनी हंसी नहीं रोक पाए। …और इस तरह बीरबल ने अपनी चतुराई से बिना मांगे अपना पुरस्कार राजा से प्राप्त किया।

Akbar Birbal Jokes

1) Akbar ne Birbal ko kuch aisa likhne ko kaha Jise khushi me padho toh gham ho,aur agar gham me padho toh khushi ho.

Birbal ne likha.

“YE WAQT GUZAR JAYEGA”…

2) Once upon a time a foolish brahmin came to visit Birbal with a strange request. He wanted to be addressed as ‘pandit’. Now, the term ‘pandit’ refers to a man of learning. But unfortunately this poor brahmin was uneducated. Birbal tried to explain the difference to him saying that it was not correct to call an uneducated man a pandit and because of this very reason it would be improper to call him so. But the silly brahmin had his heart set on this title.

So, as usual, Birbal had a brilliant idea. He said that as the brahmin was an uneducated man he should hurl abuses and stones at anyone who dared to address him by the very same title he wanted. Then Birbal called all his servants to himself and ordered them to call this lowly brahmin a pandit. The brahmin was very pleased. But the moment the servants started calling out to him as ‘pandit’ he pretended to be very angry and started to abuse them loudly. Then he picked up a few stones and hurled them in their direction. All as per clever Birbal’s advice.
All this shouting and screaming drew a crowd. When people realised that this brahmin was erupting every time anyone called him ‘pandit’, they all started to tease him. Over the next couple of days, he would constantly hear the refrain ‘pandit’ wherever he went. Very soon the whole town started referring to him as ‘pandit’ much to his delight.
The foolish brahmin never realised why people were calling him in this manner. And was extremely pleased with the result. He thanked Birbal from the very bottom of his foolish heart.